In case anyone was wondering, I've survived the past week intact. Miguel came down late last week for support while reading Mom's response to my letter. I'd gotten myself so worked up that it took a lot of holding and tears to get through the night. Thankfully I wasn't on call the next day .... After so many years of a taboo subject, we finally have an open line of communication on this topic, and it's going to be okay. I've had many people say "just tell her." Good advice. But after not acknowledging that Miguel and I have stayed in contact for years and that topic being the huge pig in the room that no one is acknowledging (anyone see the _Life Goes On_ episode years ago where Corky had the pig in his bedroom, standing in front of the pig with his arms outstretched asking, "What pig?" to his father?), the subject has taken on epic proportions. It's going to take some time for both of us to be comfortable actually talking about Miguel and I spending time together. And, for me to fully realize that I need not be secretive anymore. It is interesting how the act of writing this letter and opening up communication has also opened up memories and ways of being that go back years and years. Mother-daughter relationships are certainly complicated, complex, and so central to who we are as women. I was so afraid that I would lose her love over this, and she, likewise, was afraid that I wouldn't still love her because of the way she handled the topic in the past. She was just worried and didn't want me to get hurt.
There are many conversations to have over the next several months, but I feel I can contemplate Miguel and I moving to Northern Washington together without having the caveat at the back of my mind, still needing Mom to know about our relationship.
Thanks for the positive thoughts ...
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2 comments:
i know that this has filled you with trepidation. I am glad that there is a new beginning for you and your mother. As a mother of daughters and of course, as a daughter myself, I wonder at the struggles to love one another and also how our relationship will evolve as they get older. But maybe evolve is the key word. I hope that in the midst of a kind and nurturing relationship that we will stretch and grow.
Yes, it is so easy to say, "you just need to tell her." But in reality, telling her only solves part of the problem. There still a lot left to figure out and to communicate. You were very brave to tell her.
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