Birthday tears and a full moon

Sigh.

Birthday's shouldn't involve tears.

My parents both came down to go out to dinner with tonight. We went to Riyhad's - a cheap but great Lebanese restaurant in my neighborhood. Everyone was cordial and got along better than the last time we tried to go out to dinner together several months ago. However, it was still slightly uncomfortable. I'm not able to articulate well quite what felt off tonight ... I don't know if it was my parents, me or my reaction to them. Probably a combination of all three.

My chest feels tight thinking about the pain my parents are going through. Tight enough to need release through a few tears.

Since Julie is still biking through South America currently, Mom got one of her old drawings framed for me. It is based on a picture I took years ago at the Port Townsend farmer's market. I remember this school group of kids playing music with lots of people dancing. Such joy. I pulled out my photo albums (yes in the days before digital cameras) to find the oringal picture. I haven't looked at any of my pictures for quite some time. I found pictures of my parents dog, Compton, when he was just a tiny puppy - what a terror. Pictures that evoked happy memories but also sadness thinking about the past and how things have changed. What is the saying? the only thing that is constant is change ... A relative wrote in a card about only being able to claim to be 29 once. :-)

I'm grateful to be alive. Thankful to have loving parents and friends. Thankful to have a close friend who shares the same birthday. Thankful for a birthday full moon.

A film, introspection, and memories

"Secure yourself to heaven, hold on tight the night has come ..." the song playing on speakers at the moment. A lovely Indigo Girls song.

This has been an interesting day. I was on call last night with not nearly enough sleep had, necessitating sleep for several hours this afternoon even though it was a gorgeous last day of summer during my favorite month of the year. I woke up in that never-never-land twightlight between sleep and wake. Errands took me to the video rental store to get a Harry Potter disc cleaned that wouldn't play on my computer (still won't play even cleaned). I wandered and found an available copy of _Peaceful Warrior_. A film I considered seeing in the theater months ago. But, as usual, that didn't happen. What a beautiful film to see today to quiet my soul a bit. Sometimes it doesn't take much to make me feel more alive.

And feeling more alive today, makes me realize how tough this past year has been, much of the time not feeling like myself. My mind started going over a litany of the past year. Bear with me as I recount some events a spend a few moments in grief. A year ago last weekend, my cat, Ari (short for Ariadne), died - my little feline soulmate from St Louis. A month after that my parents dog, Compton, died. Then in March I found out my parents weren't living together anymore and still are separated 6 months later. This all amongst the hardest, most grueling, least soul preserving year of my short medical career. I'm still here and still me with much support along the way. However, I haven't given much time to introspection this past year, to embracing the upheavals that have happened.

I feel there is still so much to process, to acknowledge, to bow to, to stand in quiet presence of.