3 more nights to go or it snowed on Christmas (in Portland!) or what would it be like to have your child die on Christmas Eve?

Harper and I were soaking up heat this morning ... We heard a sound over by the door, to which Harper looked, I followed his gaze, only to discover that it was snowing great big flakes. Wow. I called my Mom to share my excitement with her. She wasn't having quite as impressive of a snowfall up in Longview. It felt like those time in elementary school (well, I guess HS as well) when it would snow and everyone ran over to the window, despite teacher's admonitions to "stay in your seat's please." Anyhow, a nice gift.

Okay, so now I've been to mass twice in the past year. Once with Yola in Seattle a few months ago and today by my lonesome for Christmas. Even went I went to mass more religiously (no pun intended) during my stint in St Louis, I reframed the homily teaching in light of different spiritual traditions. For example today's homily ... The priest discussed how Christmas isn't just a holiday for children but is very much an adult holiday as well (good point but a bit annoying, it is only put forth as a children's holiday by mass media and commercialism). Christmas is about God becoming one of us, and each of our neighbors has a bit of God in them. Reframed in my mind by a quotation I read recently that rings true: we are spirits having a human experience not humans having a spiritual experience. I agree with the priest that the difficult time comes in remembering that about our neighbors and especially, at times, about ourselves. We are all worthy and all are part of the greater Spirit of the universe (or however you want to conceptualize that for yourself). He also discussed how the shepherds were banned from attending temples in the cities. Ironic isn't it, that they received first the news of Jesus' birth. I've never thought of it that way. Whenever I hear the Christmas story, I can't help but remember the retelling of the story by Garrison Keillor, which is absolutely hilarious. Worth listening to every year.

A few excerpts from my memory ...
After the shepherds heard the news of Jesus' they "believed instantly but weren't quite sure where to go and stopped to ask others if they new about it as well.
"You didn't happen to see a heavenly host up in the sky about 10 minutes ago did you?"
"A what?"
"Oh, never mind."

Also the wise men were coming from the local Eastern university and were referred to as the "associate wise man," the "assistant wise man" and the "chair of the wisdom" department.

3 nights left to work at the hospital over this break - then 5 days off. I have a month of night float, in which I work nights (5:30pm to 7:30 am) Monday through Thursday for 4 weeks. I'm having trouble after 2 nights; I'm not sure how 16 in the stretch of a month are going to be. The intern and I are covering general pediatrics and hematology/oncology. Once of the oncology patient died at 7pm last night. It was expected - he had leukemia, went through a bone marrow transplant, and developed terrible graft vs host disease. He was intending to be discharged to hospice yesterday but got much sicker before that could happen. What would it be like to have a child die, let alone around the holidays? The intern asked rhetorically last night, whether his death will ruin Christmas for that family from now on. His life and death will certainly be remembered more poignantly this time of year, but hopefully they are able to continue living their lives, even though they will certainly also forever have some grief for the fact that they won't see their teenager reach adulthood ...

A day off with good food, a good film and great company

Yesterday was my first day off in 2 weeks, and I am grateful to have had some downtime. I was starting to get more and more testy and less and less tolerant of things, especially at work, since that was all I was doing. On days that I'm gone for 12 hours, I get up, go to my kitchen to have breakfast, bike to work. Then after work I bike home, come into my kitchen for dinner, then climb into bed. What a life. Good thing it isn't sustained for anything more than a few weeks at a time.

Miguel came to town yesterday afternoon before heading out to Clarkston for Christmas with his family. Even though we eat dinner out every few weeks, we don't do on much that feels like a "date" (and I'm heavily using quotations there, because I dislike "date" as much as I do "boyfriend"). So, we facetiously called out evening a date and went out for a dinner and a movie. My advisor recommended the Bombay Cricket Club, so we went for an excellent Indian dinner. Tuning out people around us is not one of my fortes, and so I was continually distracted by loud table of people next to us celebrating a birthday. People watching can get in the way of being present with my "date" but it is so interesting to attempt to figure out what people are talking about ... Miguel, on the other hand, is oblivious and brings me back to our table and conversation many times during a meal. After filling up on Indian food we went to see Juno downtown. I had heard the tail-end of an interview with the main character, and apparently mis-interpreted the film premise because it sounded like it was about a sexual preditor or something. Miguel read me a review of the film, which convinced me that the movie was a good idea. And was it ever ... It reminds me of Once in some ways, oddly enough because the films are very different. I highly recommend it. Strongly brought up my desire to have a baby. (It doesn't take much...)

My parents are coming together on Christmas Eve to visit me and celebrate Christmas. Over the Christmas/New Year's time, we split up the work so everyone gets 5 days off either around Christmas or New Year's. The last 2 years, I was in the NICU over Christmas. This year I'm working nights (5 nights in a row) on the general pediatric wards. These annoying signs were put up on the doctor's workroom door that proclaimed "X number of discharge days before Christmas," as if we weren't aware and keep kids in the hospital longer than needed ... So hopefully the wards are (dare I say it?) quiet. I'm hoping to get some sleep in during the nights in order to get stuff done at home during the day, like finally getting to the post office tomorrow to mail this pile of packages sitting next to me on the desk.

I may actually go to mass on Christmas. It somehow feels like the right thing to do, even though I don't really qualify myself as a Catholic anymore. The energy of that environment and singing is appealing and is calling to me ...

Solitary 400 sq ft

I realize how much has happened in the past 6 weeks since my birthday post ...


-- My sister coming back to Portland after her 7 months bike travels. This was her longest, but certainly not her first impressive, bike trip. She rode from Vancouver, BC to Tierra del Fuego, Argentina on her bike, by herself. Anything I could say about that accomplishment feels inadequate. She's amazing. She stayed with me for a few weeks, and I love having her around. However, my cottage is only 400 sq ft. She gets alone time here when I'm at work, but I never get alone time when she's visiting. Her future from this point isn't clear, and she is less of a city-person than I am. She decided to go to Mountain Home in Coquille, OR for the winter. It's a homestead with natural building and permaculture where she lived before her travels this year. It was good to have her here, but I'm glad to have my space back.

-- Traveling to St Louis to visit my other soul-mate Renee. Since I moved to Portland, we've seen each other only once a year. Felt odd to be back in St Louis ... even though it has only been 2 years, it has felt like much longer. I suppose this is true about any place that we move from, in which your life continues to progress and change in your new locale, but your old home continues to exist outside of your day-to-day awareness.

Her car was stolen a few weeks before I arrived, so we spent much time getting around on foot. The weather cooperated, cooled down and didn't much rain. When I first arrived it was 82 degrees ... quite a bit different from the 40 degree morning I left in Portland.


-- Krishna Das concert with Miguel. We saw him in concert last year as well. He's an American but learned kirtan singing in India and now sings kirtan music all over the world. Concerts in Portland take place at a large church downtown with call-and-response singing and some ecstatic dancing to boot.


-- An elective month (hence getting to travel to St Louis, taking my first vacation since February) spending time in dermatology clinic, sports medicine clinic, and learning more ADHD treatment (until the attending had her baby - what is it like to work all the way up until delivery?). And a day or two here and there spending time on my own mental health, getting to hike and read for fun. Took a hike into the Columbia Gorge.





-- Reading _The Wild Trees_ by Richard Preston about finding the tallest and largest trees in the Northwest, primarily the redwoods in California and studying their canopy. What an amazing story. At times the writing isn't the best, but the book is fascinating.

-- Less than 8 months left of residency ... :-)

Heaters and love

I'm sitting in one of my favorite spots - in front of the heater. Growing up, I had the bedroom directly over the heater in the basement. So, the heat register in my room had the warmest and most forceful flow of air. I spent many a minute sitting on the heater, soaking up the warmth before it could get into the house. Always a sad moment when it would click off; the air would get colder and then the air flow turned off. Comforting memories.

What a lazy weekend this has been with Miguel: Lebanese food at Ya Halla (fantastic restaurant) for Friday dinner, downtown farmer's market, walking up in the NWst and looking in shops on 23rd - not our usual activity together since neither of us are shoppers, spur of the moment Mexican lunch, Wordstock at the Convention Center and listening to Harry Shearer (many voices in the Simpsons), lentil-pumpkin soup for dinner, watching Falling (recent Austrian film about 5 women in their early 30s meeting after many years at the funeral of a beloved teacher). Then going for a short run together this morning. It has been a good weekend, good time together. Reaffirming that even though there will be challenges to being together, we are good together. We get along well, understand each other, are never bored in each other's company, always have conversation topics. I believe we truly are soul mates.

My dad knows to some degree about our relationship. I haven't spoken with my mother about it ... yet. I keep saying that I need to tell her but obviously haven't. Given everything that has gone on with her and my dad these past several months, I think she might be in a more receptive state to really hear me. I'm just scared about the possibility of her rejection. Recently I've tried to put the intention out into the universe that she will at least be supportive.

Birthday tears and a full moon

Sigh.

Birthday's shouldn't involve tears.

My parents both came down to go out to dinner with tonight. We went to Riyhad's - a cheap but great Lebanese restaurant in my neighborhood. Everyone was cordial and got along better than the last time we tried to go out to dinner together several months ago. However, it was still slightly uncomfortable. I'm not able to articulate well quite what felt off tonight ... I don't know if it was my parents, me or my reaction to them. Probably a combination of all three.

My chest feels tight thinking about the pain my parents are going through. Tight enough to need release through a few tears.

Since Julie is still biking through South America currently, Mom got one of her old drawings framed for me. It is based on a picture I took years ago at the Port Townsend farmer's market. I remember this school group of kids playing music with lots of people dancing. Such joy. I pulled out my photo albums (yes in the days before digital cameras) to find the oringal picture. I haven't looked at any of my pictures for quite some time. I found pictures of my parents dog, Compton, when he was just a tiny puppy - what a terror. Pictures that evoked happy memories but also sadness thinking about the past and how things have changed. What is the saying? the only thing that is constant is change ... A relative wrote in a card about only being able to claim to be 29 once. :-)

I'm grateful to be alive. Thankful to have loving parents and friends. Thankful to have a close friend who shares the same birthday. Thankful for a birthday full moon.

A film, introspection, and memories

"Secure yourself to heaven, hold on tight the night has come ..." the song playing on speakers at the moment. A lovely Indigo Girls song.

This has been an interesting day. I was on call last night with not nearly enough sleep had, necessitating sleep for several hours this afternoon even though it was a gorgeous last day of summer during my favorite month of the year. I woke up in that never-never-land twightlight between sleep and wake. Errands took me to the video rental store to get a Harry Potter disc cleaned that wouldn't play on my computer (still won't play even cleaned). I wandered and found an available copy of _Peaceful Warrior_. A film I considered seeing in the theater months ago. But, as usual, that didn't happen. What a beautiful film to see today to quiet my soul a bit. Sometimes it doesn't take much to make me feel more alive.

And feeling more alive today, makes me realize how tough this past year has been, much of the time not feeling like myself. My mind started going over a litany of the past year. Bear with me as I recount some events a spend a few moments in grief. A year ago last weekend, my cat, Ari (short for Ariadne), died - my little feline soulmate from St Louis. A month after that my parents dog, Compton, died. Then in March I found out my parents weren't living together anymore and still are separated 6 months later. This all amongst the hardest, most grueling, least soul preserving year of my short medical career. I'm still here and still me with much support along the way. However, I haven't given much time to introspection this past year, to embracing the upheavals that have happened.

I feel there is still so much to process, to acknowledge, to bow to, to stand in quiet presence of.

I've never done this before. Since I've been enjoying reading some friends blogs, I thought perhaps I'd set up my own. I used to journal with some regularity but haven't even touched my journals for at least months. It seems this can be a similar format although potentially much more public than my childhood diary with the not-so-difficult-to-open lock.

So much of life is spent not really paying attention to much of anything. Our minds are off wandering - judging, planning, remembering, anticipating - with not much time spent now. My dad has been doing all of this reading lately and has commented that life is made out of the extremes of pain and pleasure with most of our life spent in neutral. Do we remember the neutral times? Not so much.

Perhaps writing even during the neutral times can make them less neutral. We can't write without paying attention, without being present at least a little. Stop to smell the flowers.